http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/my life as it was and as it is now. Boring but I am the only one who can do something about iten-EUMokoFeed10http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/2a/5d7f95196a6eb4fb27a92085ece0a3_160x200.jpghttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/12/about-time-5746530/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-03-12:/2009/03/12/about-time-5746530/Thu, 12 Mar 2009 23:38:55 +0100 <p>I thought it about time I caught up with all you fine people as I havent 'blogged' for ages. Just as well as I have been a right miserable sod so I apologise for not getting back to some of you when you have been kind enough to contact me.<br> My life seemed in such a turmoil but I have been talking to Naomi who has helped me tremendously if any you what a bit of reasurance or help on anything I can highly recommend her new website,,,give it look over and try it...http://athenastarlight.webs.com her insight into my trouble was very helpful and now I have decided to get on and go with the flow instead of trying to run towards tomorrow and totally miss today with her advice to look upon I am getting better gradually so I will try and catch up with everything asap bye for now</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/12/about-time-5746530/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/12/about-time-5746530/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/05/who-would-have-thought-it-5699210/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-03-05:/2009/03/05/who-would-have-thought-it-5699210/Thu, 05 Mar 2009 16:52:22 +0100 <p>Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is?<br> Don't lie and don't cheat. </p> <p> WD-40. Who knew? </p> <p>I had a neighbor who had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around t he sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. </p> <p>Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemica l Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. </p> <p>Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top ... Voila! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed. </p> <p> Here are some other uses: </p> <p>1. Protects silver from tarnishing.<br> 2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.<br> 3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.<br> 4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.<br> 5. Keeps flies off cows.<br> 6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.<br> 7. Removes lipstick stains.<br> 8. Loosens stubborn zippers.<br> 9. Untangles jewelry chains.<br> 10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.<br> 11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.<br> 12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.<br> 13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.<br> 14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.<br> 15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.<br> 16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.<br> 17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.<br> 18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.<br> 19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly! Use WD-40!<br> 20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.<br> 21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers.<br> 22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.<br> 23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open.<br> 24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.<br> 25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as vinyl bumpers.<br> 26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.<br> 27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.<br> 28. Lubricates wheel sprocket s on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy handling.<br> 29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly.<br> 30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.<br> 31. Removes splattered grease on stove.<br> 32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.<br> 33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.<br> 34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).<br> 35. Removes all traces of duct tape.<br> 36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve art hritis pain.<br> 37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills and bumpers.<br> 38. The favorite use in the state of New York, WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.<br> 39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.<br> 40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.<br> 41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.<br> 42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and re wash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!<br> 43. If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start. </p> <p>P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/05/who-would-have-thought-it-5699210/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/03/05/who-would-have-thought-it-5699210/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/doldrums-5466480/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-01-28:/2009/01/29/doldrums-5466480/Thu, 29 Jan 2009 00:07:34 +0100 <p>I am feeling sad and a bit low but i dont know what to do to change I suppose I do but dont know how to do it should I say.<br> Life should be good so why dont I feel it, why do I always want what I cant get is it the other mans grass feeling or am I using rose coloured glasses.<br> I think the doldrums are over rated </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/doldrums-5466480/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/29/doldrums-5466480/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/its-me-again-5428368/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-01-23:/2009/01/23/its-me-again-5428368/Fri, 23 Jan 2009 01:36:25 +0100 <p>Well at least it is in body not sure where my spirit is. I have been back nearly 2 weeks now and although I really missed Dh while I was away I seem to be missing my son and his wife now I am here I could do without us being in 2 places its not good for my nervous system.<br> Our son had his interview for citizenship whilst I was over there and he was accepted now he just has to have his oath ceremony and then thats it he will be an american citizen he wil still have his british citizenship too but it seems so strange my little boy now an American citizen..Why?<br> My head is all over the place...I have told DH its up to him now to let meknow when he feels he could emigrate (a bit of reverse psychology) I felt a bit strange over there this time....I dont know if it was because I missed him so much I was lonely in theday time I was all the time wondering how he would react to certain circumstance what he would do to keep himself occupied etc. Over here at home he likes to go to the auction sales and pick up old tools etc and od them up and resell them on ebay or car boot. he potters about in the garge and then does some research on the internet and it fills his day/ I can see why he fells he may not settle so we are in the process of trying to persuade him to go ver for a month or so to have look around, I think I am making headway.<br> They are having the same troubel over there as we all are here with the financial markets etc so we have plenty of time yet to make plans.<br> well nice to back! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/its-me-again-5428368/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/its-me-again-5428368/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/quote-of-the-day-5428190/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-01-22:/2009/01/23/quote-of-the-day-5428190/Fri, 23 Jan 2009 00:59:15 +0100 <p>"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give<br> her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give<br> you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you<br> give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges<br> what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive<br> a ton of shit." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/quote-of-the-day-5428190/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/23/quote-of-the-day-5428190/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/12/this-tickled-me-5368145/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2009-01-12:/2009/01/12/this-tickled-me-5368145/Mon, 12 Jan 2009 23:18:59 +0100 <p> Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years<br> earlier. </p> <p>Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate<br> their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. </p> <p>Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. </p> <p>The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. </p> <p>The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: </p> <p>To: My Loving Wife<br> Subject: I've Arrived<br> Date: October 16, 2007 </p> <p>I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. </p> <p>I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that<br> everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. </p> <p>Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. </p> <p>P.S. F***ing hot down here!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/12/this-tickled-me-5368145/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2009/01/12/this-tickled-me-5368145/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/an-update-5257305/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-21:/2008/12/22/an-update-5257305/Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:40:29 +0100 <p>just to let you know we are in the middle of a blizzard here the temp has been down to -15c and I havent even bothered to put me nose out the door. My son went out to the mail box (down the drive here, no such thing as a paper through the letter box or mail for that matter) to fetch the sunday paper and he was frozen!<br> Its got a bit warmer only -5 now but tomorrow is forecast similarly to today. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/an-update-5257305/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/22/an-update-5257305/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/21/missing-him-so-much-5255084/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-21:/2008/12/21/missing-him-so-much-5255084/Sun, 21 Dec 2008 15:58:21 +0100 <p>hi<br> just thought I would catch up with my blog. well I have been here in the US 1 week and I am so missing DH we talk everyday at once on the phone but its when you are apart you realise how valuable your relationship is. I am enjoying being here with my son and daughter in law but I can help but miss him and count the days til I see him ...which at the moment is an awful lot 19 today counting today and the day I get back so I suppose I could say 17 not counting ....oh you know what I mean. I am hoping I manage to keep it together especially xmas day and new year. I wont come over again for so long or at xmas time I thought I would cope better than I am after all last time I was here for 6 weeks. Oh well got to enjoy what you can while you can but the saying about you dont know what you got til its gone is true too.<br> Anyway I have been busy over here taking in the site and the beautiful scenery. There has been snow since the day after I arrived and today is like a blizzard and there was already snow between I think 4" and a foot in places so I dont know if we will get out today. We were going to do a bit of shopping at the stores down by the lake and tak some photos to show DH when I get home but it looks cold. In the night it was supposed to get down to -12 (in new money) they still work in the old temp over here and I never thought I would be confused by it like I am. Bloody common market!<br> We were also going to go to the Botanical gardens this evening for a walk through the arboretum, apparently its lit up and its a beautiful walk and santa will be there. SO now he wont know what I want for Xmas.<br> Just to give you temp check it 18f or -7c outside. I was just thinking how would you get the dog outside for wee in this weather, oh my word these are the things that worry DH as you know he absolutely dots on the dog well I do too she is lovely and such a lovely temperament and such good company too. SHe talks to him and they understand each other.<br> well better get some breakfast and another cup of tea.....I brought my own teabags...just one of my little idiosyncrisies (is that spelt right) I am sure one of you will know.<br> If I dont get back you know I have gone out in the blizzard and not come back <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wave.gif" alt=":wave:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/21/missing-him-so-much-5255084/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/21/missing-him-so-much-5255084/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/08/ps-5178390/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-07:/2008/12/08/ps-5178390/Mon, 08 Dec 2008 00:00:17 +0100 <p>anyone who is bemoaning the chance to have peace and quiet and be glad when the kids are grown up and left home please please think about it and enjoy every single moment as much as you can because all too soon those specials days will be memories and special ones too. You bring them up to look after themsleves an be independant and then they go ahead and use all you taught them to bugger off somewhere foreign little sods.<img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/08/ps-5178390/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/08/ps-5178390/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/updated-me-5178373/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-07:/2008/12/07/updated-me-5178373/Sun, 07 Dec 2008 23:55:53 +0100 <p>I thought it has been a while since I updated my personal life on here so here goes to anyone interested...well I suppose you wouldnt have got htis far if you werent.....<br> It is less than a week til I go to our sons for xmas and new year and I cant believe I am going on my own I will so miss DH i really will but he is so supportive and all for me going he says he is the miserable one not going so he has to let me or it wouldnt be fair bless him! He is talking about emigrating though and quite seriously we have been going over all about what we will do with the bungalow if we dont sell up and how we will get the dog (his absolute pride and joy) over there I have been into the minute details and the big details with him and he says he will sincerely try and get his round it by the time he is 60 (only 18 months away) He says he feel as if he can 'retire ' there then. SO far so good.<br> By the way I am now 60 pounds (4 1/2 stone )lighter than when I started on here too! I feel a lot better too but I have a long way to go yet. I suppose xmas will see a few pounds creep back on but I will get back intot he swing in the new year I am sure.<br> Our son and daughter are today decorating their house with the tree and all the trimmings and also putting lights up outside for my arrival bless them both. Its about 6 or 7 years since we last had a xmas together over here and although DH is staying at home it will be good to see both of them. One day we will all be together again I know it.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/updated-me-5178373/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/updated-me-5178373/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/times-are-hard-5175807/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-07:/2008/12/07/times-are-hard-5175807/Sun, 07 Dec 2008 14:42:49 +0100 <p> A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.</p> <p>'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'</p> <p>Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.</p> <p>Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.</p> <p>The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.</p> <p>Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.</p> <p>She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'</p> <p>She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'</p> <p>(folks, your gonna luv this)</p> <p>The bank manager looks back at her and says....</p> <p>'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.'</p> <p>(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)</p> <p>Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/times-are-hard-5175807/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/07/times-are-hard-5175807/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/obituary-of-mr-common-sense-5167636/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-05:/2008/12/05/obituary-of-mr-common-sense-5167636/Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:12:17 +0100 <p>Subject: London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense<br> ><br> > 'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years'. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:<br> ><br> ><br> > Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.<br> ><br> > Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).<br> ><br> > His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.<br> ><br> > Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.<br> ><br> ><br> ><br> > It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplasts to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.<br> ><br> > Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.<br> ><br> > Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.<br> ><br> > Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.<br> ><br> > Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.'<br> ><br> > And a little extra........................<br> > Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 600 employees and has the following statistics?<br> ><br> > 29 have been accused of spouse abuse<br> > 7 have been arrested for fraud<br> > 19 have been accused of writing bad cheques<br> > 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses<br> > 3 have done time for assault<br> > 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit rating<br> > 4 have been arrested on drug-related charges<br> > 8 have been arrested for shoplifting<br> > 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits<br> > 84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year<br> ><br> ><br> > Which organization is this?<br> > It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/obituary-of-mr-common-sense-5167636/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/obituary-of-mr-common-sense-5167636/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/cake-or-bed-5167629/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-05:/2008/12/05/cake-or-bed-5167629/Fri, 05 Dec 2008 15:11:22 +0100 <p> CAKE OR BED </p> <p>A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A<br> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, </p> <p>'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?<br> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' </p> <p>HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,<br> 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?<br> I DON'T THINK SO!' </p> <p>'FINE!' </p> <p>THEN THE WIFE ASKS,<br> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?<br> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' </p> <p>TO WHICH HE REPLIED,<br> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?<br> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'<br> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?<br> I DON'T THINK SO!' </p> <p>'FINE!' SHE SAYS<br> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS<br> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' </p> <p>'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T<br> WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?<br> I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'</p> <p>SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A<br> COUPLE OF HOURS................ </p> <p>HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW<br> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES<br> TO GO HOME </p> <p>AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES<br> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. </p> <p>AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE<br> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING </p> <p>AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES<br> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. </p> <p>HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'<br> SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT<br> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.<br> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' </p> <p>HE SAID,<br> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' </p> <p>SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/cake-or-bed-5167629/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/05/cake-or-bed-5167629/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/01/a-step-nearer-5148328/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-12-01:/2008/12/01/a-step-nearer-5148328/Mon, 01 Dec 2008 23:37:09 +0100 <p>Well our son has his interview date for 6th January the day I was supposed to fly home! Well he wants me to go with them to the interview so I managed to rearrange my flight til the 8th so I will be able to go with them. Then the procedure to apply to sponsor us starts should take about 10 months then perhaps 6 months to get our visas so summer 2010 looks like a good time to be emigrating to me! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/01/a-step-nearer-5148328/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/12/01/a-step-nearer-5148328/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/oh-now-i-know-5129395/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-28:/2008/11/29/oh-now-i-know-5129395/Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:10:47 +0100 <p>A middle-aged woman</p> <p>Seemed sheepish as she</p> <p>Visited her gynecologist.</p> <p>'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,</p> <p>'you've been seeing me for years!</p> <p>There's nothing you can't tell me.'</p> <p>'This one's kind of strange...'</p> <p>'Let me be the judge of that,'</p> <p>The doctor replied.</p> <p>'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'</p> <p>'I see.'</p> <p>'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'<br> 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, </p> <p>Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !<br> You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,</p> <p>'I'm scared out of my wits!'</p> <p>The gynecologist put a comforting<br> Hand on her shoulder.<br> 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' </p> <p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br> (Ready for this?) </p> <p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br> (I'm warning you.....) </p> <p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br> (Still not too late....delete now!)<br> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ </p> <p>'You're simply going through the change!</p> <p>Never take someone for granted. </p> <p>Hold every person close to your heart </p> <p>because you might wake up one day </p> <p>and realize that you've lost a diamond </p> <p>while you were too busy collecting stones. </p> <p>Never fail to tell people you love them. </p> <p>You may never get another chance. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/oh-now-i-know-5129395/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/oh-now-i-know-5129395/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/bra-sizes-5129386/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-28:/2008/11/29/bra-sizes-5129386/Sat, 29 Nov 2008 00:08:50 +0100 <p>What Religion is Your Bra? </p> <p>A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's </p> <p>and shyly walked up to </p> <p>the woman behind the counter and said, </p> <p>'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.' </p> <p>'What type of bra?' </p> <p>asked the clerk. </p> <p>'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'<br> 'Look around,' </p> <p>said the saleslady, </p> <p>as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour </p> <p>and material imaginable. </p> <p>'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .' </p> <p>Relieved, the man asked </p> <p>about the types. </p> <p>The saleslady replied: </p> <p>'There are the Catholic, </p> <p>the Salvation Army, </p> <p>the Presbyterian, </p> <p>and the Baptist types.. </p> <p>Which one would you prefer?' </p> <p>Now totally befuddled, </p> <p>the man asked about </p> <p>the differences between them. </p> <p>The Saleslady responded, </p> <p>'It is all really quite simple. . </p> <p>The Catholic type supports the masses;<br> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen; </p> <p>The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;<br> The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.' </p> <p>Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used </p> <p>to define bra sizes? </p> <p>If you have wondered why, </p> <p>but couldn't figure out </p> <p>what the letters stood for, </p> <p>it is about time </p> <p>you became informed! </p> <p>(A} Almost Boobs...<br> {B} Barely there....<br> {C} Can't Complain!...<br> {D} Dang!...<br> {DD} Double dang!...<br> {E} Enormous!...<br> {F} Fake...<br> {G} Get a Reduction...<br> {H} Help me, I've fallen </p> <p>and I can't get up!... </p> <p>Send this to </p> <p>all that will appreciate it! </p> <p>They forgot the German bra. </p> <p>Holtzemfromfloppen </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/bra-sizes-5129386/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/29/bra-sizes-5129386/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/26/the-mom-song-5115211/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-26:/2008/11/26/the-mom-song-5115211/Wed, 26 Nov 2008 22:43:59 +0100 <p><a href="http://blogs.northlandchurch.net/2008/08/11/the-mom-song/">http://blogs.northlandchurch.net/2008/08/11/the-mom-song/</a><br> hey have a listen its great </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/26/the-mom-song-5115211/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/26/the-mom-song-5115211/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/do-the-maths-5051141/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-17:/2008/11/17/do-the-maths-5051141/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:49:27 +0100 <p>'To my dear wife, you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 yrs. old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-yr. old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'</p> <p>On his return, he found the following note:</p> <p>'To my dear husband, I have received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 yrs. old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs. old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and, like your secretary, is 18 yrs. old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/do-the-maths-5051141/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/do-the-maths-5051141/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/paddy-and-mick-5051134/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-17:/2008/11/17/paddy-and-mick-5051134/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:48:40 +0100 <p>Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.<br> > >> They managed to bag six.<br> > >> As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could<br> > >> take only four moose.<br> > >> The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six.<br> > >> The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'<br> > >> Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.<br> > >> However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load<br> > >> and went down.<br> > >> Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the<br> > >> crash.<br> > >> After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we<br> > >> are?'<br> > >> Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/paddy-and-mick-5051134/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/paddy-and-mick-5051134/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/bottle-of-wine-5051130/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-17:/2008/11/17/bottle-of-wine-5051130/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:47:55 +0100 <p>Bottle of wine</p> <p>A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.</p> <p>After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days'.</p> <p>Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!' But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.</p> <p>The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'</p> <p>She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.</p> <p>The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.<br> The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'</p> <p>The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police....'</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/bottle-of-wine-5051130/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/bottle-of-wine-5051130/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/who-is-in-charge-5051125/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-17:/2008/11/17/who-is-in-charge-5051125/Mon, 17 Nov 2008 13:47:09 +0100 <p>All the organs of the body were having a meeting,<br> trying to decide who was the one in charge.</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the brain,<br> "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the blood ,<br> "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,<br> "because I process food and give all of you energy."</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the legs,<br> "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the eyes,<br> "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."</p> <p>"I should be in charge," said the rectum,<br> "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."</p> <p>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum<br> and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.<br> Within a few days,<br> the brain had a terrible headache,<br> the stomach was bloated,<br> the legs got wobbly,<br> the eyes got watery,<br> and the blood was toxic.<br> They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.<br> The Moral of the story?<br> The ass hole is usually the one in charge! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/who-is-in-charge-5051125/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/17/who-is-in-charge-5051125/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/japanese-fountain-5025978/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-12:/2008/11/12/japanese-fountain-5025978/Wed, 12 Nov 2008 21:21:38 +0100 <p> japanese-mall-fountain.wmv hey copy and paste this or see it on youtube it is great </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/japanese-fountain-5025978/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/japanese-fountain-5025978/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/get-your-own-back-girls-5022023/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-12:/2008/11/12/get-your-own-back-girls-5022023/Wed, 12 Nov 2008 09:37:24 +0100 <p>Husband says to wife 'perhaps we should put some slimfast in the wash with your knickers might help you shed some inches off your hips'<br> Not wishing to take this slur lightly the wife decides to get her own back<br> next day he goes to get his underpants out of the drawer gives them a shake and white powder goes all over the place. 'what have you put talcum powder in my pants for' he says to wife.<br> 'its not talc' she says 'its miracle grow' </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/get-your-own-back-girls-5022023/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/12/get-your-own-back-girls-5022023/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/education-5014982/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-10:/2008/11/10/education-5014982/Mon, 10 Nov 2008 21:28:15 +0100 <p>This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine . This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes. </p> <p>The outgoing message: </p> <p>Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: </p> <p>To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 </p> <p>To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 </p> <p>To complain about what we do - Press 3 </p> <p>To swear at staff members - Press 4 </p> <p>To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and<br> several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 </p> <p>If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 </p> <p>If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 </p> <p>To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 </p> <p>To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 </p> <p>To complain about school lunches - Press 0 </p> <p>If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! </p> <p>If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/education-5014982/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/education-5014982/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/try-this-one-5013575/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-10:/2008/11/10/try-this-one-5013575/Mon, 10 Nov 2008 17:01:35 +0100 <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pe_C48cAw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3pe_C48cAw</a> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/try-this-one-5013575/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/try-this-one-5013575/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/apologies-if-you-have-already-read-these-5013512/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-10:/2008/11/10/apologies-if-you-have-already-read-these-5013512/Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:48:01 +0100 <p>Q: What's the definition of optimism?A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.A man went to his bank manager and said: 'I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?' 'Simple,' said the bank manager. 'Buy a big one and wait.'The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I'm now Britain's fourth biggest lender.Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMWQ: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?A: The pizza can still feed a family of fourQ: What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?A: Would you like fries with that sir?Q: What is the capital of Iceland?A: About $3.50I tried to get cash from the ATM today but it said "insufficient funds." I don't know if that meant them or me.And finally:Mark Twain was ahead of the curve: "October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/apologies-if-you-have-already-read-these-5013512/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/10/apologies-if-you-have-already-read-these-5013512/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/just-before-the-funeral-services-the-undertaker-came-up-to-4983323/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-04:/2008/11/04/just-before-the-funeral-services-the-undertaker-came-up-to-4983323/Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:05:37 +0100 <p>Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, </p> <p>'How old was your husband?' </p> <p>'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' </p> <p>'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. </p> <p>She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' </p> <p>Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:<br> 'And what do you think is the best thing<br> about being 104?' the reporter asked.<br> She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' </p> <p>The nice thing about being senile is<br> you can hide your own Easter eggs. </p> <p>I've sure gotten old!<br> I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,<br> new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,<br> I'm half blind,<br> can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,<br> take 40 different medications that<br> make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.<br> Have bouts with dementia.<br> Have poor circulation;<br> hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.<br> Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.<br> Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,<br> I still have my driver's license. </p> <p>I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,<br> so I got my doctor's permission to<br> join a fitness club and start exercising.<br> I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.<br> I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,<br> and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got<br> my leotards on, the class was over. </p> <p>An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and<br> told her preacher she had two final requests.<br> First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,<br> she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.<br> 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.<br> 'Why Wal-Mart?'<br> 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.' </p> <p>My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.<br> Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. </p> <p>Know how to prevent sagging?<br> Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. </p> <p>It's scary when you start making the same noises<br> as your coffee maker. </p> <p>These days about half the stuff<br> in my shopping cart says,<br> 'For fast relief.' </p> <p>THE SENILITY PRAYER :<br> Grant me the senility to forget the people<br> I never liked anyway,<br> the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and<br> the eyesight to tell the difference. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/just-before-the-funeral-services-the-undertaker-came-up-to-4983323/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/just-before-the-funeral-services-the-undertaker-came-up-to-4983323/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/your-dreams-4978806/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-11-03:/2008/11/03/your-dreams-4978806/Mon, 03 Nov 2008 23:04:54 +0100 <p>from the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen. You will still be here tomorrow your dreams may not. All the times that I have cried keeping all the things inside. I know I have to go.<br> Its not time to make a change! take you time think a lot. I was once like you are now.<br> Same old story.<br> your still young thats you fault </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/your-dreams-4978806/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>musichttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/your-dreams-4978806/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/positivity-4964056/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-10-31:/2008/10/31/positivity-4964056/Fri, 31 Oct 2008 23:43:46 +0100 <p>I am trying yet again to remain positive its so strange knowing your whole life ahead of you is in the lap of someone elses whims.<br> Tomorrow is the start of a new month and a new positive day its untouched as yet so its what I let it be and it will be a good positive day </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/positivity-4964056/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/positivity-4964056/#commentshttp://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/what-a-coincidence-4962665/tag:lyndilou.blog.co.uk,2008-10-31:/2008/10/31/what-a-coincidence-4962665/Fri, 31 Oct 2008 19:19:38 +0100 <p>A chicken farmer went to a local bar... He sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.</p> <p>The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'</p> <p>'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating.'</p> <p>'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.</p> <p>'What a coincidence,' says the man.</p> <p>As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'</p> <p>'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'</p> <p>'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'</p> <p>'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'</p> <p>'I used a different cock,' he replied.</p> <p>The woman smiled and said,</p> <p>'What a coincidence </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/what-a-coincidence-4962665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://lyndilou.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/what-a-coincidence-4962665/#comments